Jackasshammer II

Summertime is sequel time, so what better time to pick up a jackhammer again?

Our old porch was built sometime during the Kennedy or Johnson administration out of wood that had never even been outdoors, much less prepped for the idea that it would be subject to the elements for nigh unto forty years. It was so severely dilapidated that people we knew refused to climb up the stairs and our mailman got a speculative look in his eye every time he dropped off the mail, almost as if he were calculating how many trips he'd be able to take to Kaua'i off the proceeds from the lawsuit that would invariably follow his falling through the front steps.

So we're putting in a new porch. This is a cost-saving move, as it may end up being 50 cents cheaper than whatever we'd have to pay to the grievously-injured mailman.

Our old porch was barely hanging in, but it didn't have the good grace to collapse on its own. So Phil and I had to tear down the structure (it was 6' x 14') and break up an 8' x 10' patch of aggregate concrete someone had helpfully paved the yard next to the porch with. That patch had to go. It was ugly and, more importantly, it would have hindered our new plan to lay down a saltillo-style walk from the new tiled steps to the sidewalk.

Our to-do list included: digging up the three Coleonema pulchrum in front of the porch; giving those away via Craigslist; disassembling the wooden porch; disassembling the concrete-and-wood steps leading to the porch; breaking up the concrete.

We got all but one of those done. I am sorry to report that I was the victim of a Craigslist flake-out. I do not get this at all: we were giving away three-foot-tall bushes! That cost at least $30 apiece in nurseries! We even dug them out of the ground! And made sure the roots stayed dark and damp! All you had to do is show up when you say you will! And yet ... I will never be giving anything to anyone in the Bay Area named Amber again, because clearly, Amber, you are a big Craigslist flake.

(We will probably find a new home in the yard for the bushes despite the fact that I really, really dislike dainty pink flowers. I can always weed-whack 'em, I guess.)

Anyway, demolishing the porch was not terribly difficult, in part because no act of destruction is all that tough when you're wielding a Milwaukee Sawzall. I feel fully confident that if Sam Raimi were making Evil Dead II today, he'd give Ash Williams the mighty Sawzall as a new appendage. If Quentin Tarantino were truly hipped to the awesome forces of motorized mayhem, Rose McGowan would have been hopping around on one of these instead of that dumb gun. The Sawzall is that handy.

Also, have I mentioned that the dry rot transformed our porch beams into a light, lignin-y confection that was approximately the density and texture of a bath pouf? That helped too.

So, it was time to break up the concrete and after taking a token nine dozen whacks at it with a sledgehammer, I decided life was short and it was time to go to Home Depot for more power tools. I had figured on getting a nice 25-pound demolition hammer like last time, but our man Marquez had a different idea.

"You'll be out there all night with that thing," he said, rolling his eyes at my obvious idiocy. "Use this jackhammer."

"What jackhammer?" I said. "All I see is this giant, waist-high hunk of steely .... oh."

And that is how we ended up wrestling a 70-pound Makita demolition hammer into the trunk of our doughty Subaru Outback Sport. (That's right -- not even the regular-size station-wagon. We have the fun-sized model. Can you tell we bought the car before buying a fixer-upper?)

As we drove back home, I began mentally rehearsing the inevitable phone call to Joe when I managed to drive a bit the size of a squash racket into the ground.

Except here's the thing: once I figured out that the secret to using a jackhammer like that is to just keep working off the cracks you started, it was fun. There is something tremendously satisfying about watching concrete fissure into discrete chunks (or occasionally, disappear into a puff of dust). And while I am terribly bruised from the waist down -- I used my legs when moving this sucker from spot to spot on the pavement -- and it took two days for the swelling in my fingers to go down -- that will not deter me from doing it again.

I didn't get stuck once. And, more importantly, my lipgloss stayed on. I did, at one point, turn to Phil and scream over the clatter, "I am a bad blogger for not obsessively photo-documenting this!" However, I think we were both too busy to bother: I with handling the tool and he with making sure I didn't inadvertently jackhammer through the power cord.

We do have before-and-after photos of the porch. They are currently on our camera at home, and I promise to upload them so you can marvel at what we have wrought. Or to mutter, "She doesn't update her weblog for days because of that? Psssssht."

And I will say, "Quiet, you! We have to begin construction next. You'll rue the day I began talking about porches. Provoke me and I'll explain how it's possible to begin drafting plans in April and not begin construction until August ..."

Let this year's remodeling follies begin!

Comments

[Doug]

The way Workers Comp is structured, your mailman couldn't sue or get a trip. His medical care would be paid for, and any time off would be paid, maybe at a much lower rate. The WC insurance company, which pockets 35 to 40% of premiums for profit and administration, might be able to sue you, however.

[Lisa]

Thanks for the clarification. I'll be sure to fact-check all my off-the-cuff gibes from here on.

[Doug]

Sorry, I didn't mean it as an attack on your gibes in a very funny account. I just wanted people to know the facts.

[Polly]

Sawzalls are awesome. I'm glad you tried again with the jackhammer--so many times with power tools people give up the first time it doesn't go perfectly, when really it's just that there's a learning curve.

If it's any consolation, I started redoing my bathroom in February, and it's still not done. Life gets in the way sometimes, you know?

[Siobhan]

Oh man. I am so jealous of your jackhammer usage. That looks fun.

I don't know - I have used a Sawzall, but I am afraid that my loyalty to a good old-fashioned gas-powered hoss of a chainsaw can not be swayed. I mean, sure, a chainsaw doesn't do a very good job of cutting things that are not trees or big chunks of wood, and plus, they are fucking scary, but also, they are SCARY AND LOUD AND CHAINY. Love.

How long did it take you to get that concrete gone?

[Nomie]

There's something very disconcerting to me about a turquoise jackhammer. Disconcerting... or hilarious.

[Amanda]

Yes! I love these posts and cannot wait to see before and after pics. I'm glad you addressed that because I'm all, "Photo!? Photo!?"

We have done 3 "mighty" home improvement projects to our new abode. 1) Build sawhorses. 2) Cut a cat door from the kitchen to the garage. 3) Build a whole swinging door to close off the full height crawlspace in the garage. It looks really great and keeps the evil cats out of there who are so damn determined. These are major endeavors because we are finally using all the tools which Thom's Mom got us years ago (sawzall, circular saw, drill, etc.) and I got to buy and use a countersink bit. I don't know why that is so great to me but it is. We are realizing that these tools will not do in the long run. They are starter tools. So, I'm gonna look into that Milwaukee sawzall.

My problem with most power tools is the grip. I have small hands and it takes two hands to turn off the safety on the circular and then position it properly which, I think, is really not that safe.

Anyway, congrats on the porch demo!

[Ex-Monkey Ben]

Definitely a job this American wouldn't do. But I can't wait to see those photos.