The Un-gift Guide

You have to work really hard to give someone a rotten gift. It takes a lot of effort to turn into the kind of person who is willing to spend money (or time) on something expressly intended to make the recipient feel bad about themselves; it takes even more effort to channel that malicious energy into the kind of gift-giving selection that's guaranteed to give you the sweet, mood-killing moment you so crave.

That said, it is all too easy for the rest of us -- we earnest, sincere people striving to transmute our sentiments into material expression -- to really boff it, even with the best of intentions. Our decision-making skills get strained as we struggle to filter out the input from dozens of catalogs, website gift-giving guides and shiny, confusing retail store displays. Abundance addles the judgment.

With this in mind, let me offer you the un-gift guide. I will not be providing links to special goods at great prices. I will be laying down my rules for avoiding the kind of present that puts your recipient in an awkward position.

Rule One: Avoid pre-packaged gifts and gift baskets. Oh, I know the gift packages are seductive -- "We picked out the items for you! And we made them look all pretty!" But they are also packed with treachery. Either they will contain items that the recipient can't use, or they will contain items that the recipient hates. And then there is the issue of what to do with the damn wicker basket once the recipient has managed to pitch the french fry-scented soap without feeling too guilty.

Rule Two: Avoid items that have no use whatsoever beyond "it's a gift item." Like porn, this is a "I know it when I see it" category. On my personal list of items that I believe wouldn't exist if not for blundering gift-buyers: sentimental candleholders, friendship jewelry, chocolate fondue fountains, pens that also act as Spanish-language translators or crossword-puzzle dictionaries or electrolysis devices.

Rule Three: Avoid prescriptive gifts. This means no giving so-called "educational" toys to children. (It also wouldn't hurt to view any claims of "educational value" with a gimlet eye.) This means no giving cookbooks to the woman who has previously expressed pleasure over her well-curated collection of take-out menus. This means no giving tools to your husband because your daddy had the same tools, and your daddy could fix anything, so surely it would help to have those tools around too? You may give a gift with the recipient's benefit in mind, but that is not the same thing as giving a gift with the intent of changing the recipient's behavior for what you believe to be better.

(In the interest of honesty: this is the one I struggle with most, as I am afflicted with a personality flaw that makes me want to give people the "It's for your own good" gifts. I would have made an excellent vindictive witch in a fairy tale.)

Rule Four: Avoid festive crap. Seriously. There is a big difference between giving someone their own family stocking stuffed with other, personal gifts, and giving someone a sweatshirt with a school of mackerel, a ship, a horse, several birds and a moose , and the legend "Wee fish ewe a mare egrets moose." The former may be a charming way to welcome a new in-law into the family; the latter is forced gaiety. Nobody like being told to be in the holiday spirit, dammit.

Rule Five: Avoid thematic stretching. My mom likes lighthouses. Like, really likes lighthouses -- her everyday china has lighthouses on it, she collects photos and paintings of lighthouses, she has a lighthouse-themed border in her den. But you know, I would never, ever get her lighthouse-themed clothing, because she wouldn't dig it. If you have someone in your life who has an affinity for something -- the GOP, comic books, manatees -- be sure you have a working grasp of what they will and won't stand for when it comes to products with that theme.

Rule Six: Avoid gift-closet gifts for people you actually know. You are all familiar with gift-closet gifts, right? These are the impersonal, not-too-costly items you keep on hand for the odd gift-giving occasion where you bear no ill toward the recipient but you don't know them that well. Naturally, your gift-closet gifts are in good taste, but they're still somewhat impersonal. Save them for those occasions when you're called upon to bring something to your date's father's birthday dinner, or your partner calls up and is like, "Did you know there was an Administrative Professionals Day?"

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Use these simple guidelines, and you'll soon be breezing by the endcaps in every store aisle like they're not even there. You'll be reading catalogs with ruthless efficiency. You'll be skimming gift guides for that one item you didn't unearth on your own. (FYI: I recommend signing up for the gift guides over at Oh My That's Awesome! They have primo stuff.)

Most importantly, you'll be giving gifts that your recipient will like, use and enjoy. And isn't that the reason you're going to all this trouble in the first place?

Comments

[Roger]

I have to pick one minor nit. I'm sorry, I just have to be a word snob today.

You really mean "prescriptive" rather than "proscriptive". The former implies encouraging a behavior - such as encouraging your husband to fix things with the tool gift - where the latter implies discouraging (or preventing) a behavior. In other words, your list is proscriptive!

I'd also like to add:

Rule Seven: Never give live animals as gifts. At worst, the recipient won't like the animal at all and the poor thing will get abused, neglected, or at best, given to someone else. Animals form bonds with people. Even giving a pet to new owners is bad for its mental state. At best, the person receiving the animal won't have one he or she choose - they will not form the same bond as with one they hand-picked. If you must give an animal as a gift, give the promise of the pet instead, or even write up a little gift card. Then be available and willing when your giftee is ready to pick out his or her own pet with your promise.

A sort of corollary to this is: try to get your new pet from a local shelter if at all possible. Please don't contribute to the increasing commercialization of animal sales and the massive number of animals the farms and pet stores crank out every Christmas season!

[Polly]

Ah, the proscriptive gift. My mother once gave me a diet book for my birthday. The upside is, she also gave me a winning card to play in those competitive who-has-the-worse-mother? conversations.

On the beware-the-proscriptive-gift theme, I'll throw in a plea that when someone asks you what to get your spouse, please, please don't mentally dredge up a recent argument that you had over your spouse's cooking or organizational skills or whatever, and then suggest to your innocent victim that THEY should get your spouse a proscriptive gift that implies that they 1. knew about the fight, and 2. have taken your side.

[Lisa]

Roger, thanks for the catch. I've gone ahead and edited it.

POLLY! However did you react? I can't even begin to imagine how I'd respond.

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I also wanted to add a rule about not confusing the relationship between cost and value, but I couldn't figure out a pithy way to phrase what I wanted to say. Namely, there are times when your recipient will love getting $20 worth of Bubble Yum (25 packs!) and times when they'd rather have $20 worth of ScharffenBerger (5 bars).

[Jennifer]

I've got an addition to the theme gift thing: if you know that someone is REALLY into a particular singer or author or some sort of thing like that, odds are they probably already own EVERYTHING that person has created already.

GREAT guide, btw. Very good points!

[Polly]

Yes, good catch, Roger. I'm sorry I didn't see your post before I posted mine.

Oh, Lisa, luckily I was living on the opposite coast from her at the time, so I didn't have to fake joy at receiving such a gift or anything. I was certainly upset at the time (and complained about it to my friends and siblings), but eventually that kind of thing becomes funny. I didn't confront Mom about it or anything--she is one of these borderline eating-disorder types, so there are deeper issues going on there, and I didn't feel like there was any point in having fight #4,353,549,947,736 about it.

[(nrooklyn) molly]

Rule Two: Avoid items that have no use whatsoever beyond "it's a gift item."

Oh, Lisa, this is my pet gift peeve. I tend to go on an rant at least once a year about the sheer volume of money wasted in $15 increments on EXACTLY these sort of things. Office Secret Santa parties and other "Yankee Swap/Name Grab/White Elephant" events are the most serious offenders, and I shudder to think what good could come if instead of resorting to these mass exchanges of USELESS CRAP, that money were earmarked for charitable donations. NO ONE NEEDS NOVELTY BEER COZIES OR VICTORIA'S SECRET HOLIDAY BODY GLITTER POWDER THAT BAD!

Also, my personal addition for Number Seven would be:
DON'T GIVE GIFTS THAT ARE ACTUALLY JUST THINGS YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. Keep the recipient in mind.

[(brooklyn) molly]

(oops, my name should be brooklyn molly. not nrooklyn. I am not from nrooklyn.)

[Jane]

Thank you for the lighthouse link - I love lighthouses too! However, I totally agree, lighthouse themed clothing would definitely be crossing the line.

[Alice]

Very true, Lisa!

I've got an addition to rule 5 though - make sure that the thematic gift is still appropriate before you buy it. I can't tell you how many phases I've gone through where a thematic gift at the time would have been great, but now it'd be all "Greeeaaaaaaaaat! [insert fake smile here] This is fantastic!"

Please note, Grandma: Just because I liked kittens when I was twelve, does not mean that I now, seventeen years later, will be delighted to get cat clothes/calendars/mugs/etc.

[drunken monkey]

My mother loves Christmas and happily receives things like Christmas snowglobes (she also loves snowglobes -- hmm, my mother might be Ugly Betty) as presents. But woe to the person who buys her a holiday sweatshirt.

I was victimized -- as much as getting free stuff is victimizing somebody -- by prescriptive gift-giving as a child, when one of my aunts gave me a porcelain doll for Christmas when I was six. Then all of my relations proceeded to decide that I really ought to have a porcelain doll collection, which is how I ended up with 25 of them. When I was in high school I finally begged my mother to tell them all that I had run out of room for any new additions. (That was sort of true, but not the real problem.)

I am not, nor have I ever been, a porcelain doll kind of girl, in personality or decorating tastes. I was a tomboy who liked to read books and play with Lego and stuffed animals. With every doll I opened, I felt like I was being told "Be more girly!" Then I felt guilty for not really liking them because I knew they were expensive. I kind of dread the day I have my own house and get my aunts asking me where I'm going to put my dolls.

[gmostek]

I have a suggested addendum: Avoid giving gifts related to a very specialized hobby or profession unless requested by the giftee. Most artists do not want a lovely assortment of pens/pencils/pastels from JoAnn fabric. Astrophysics PhD. candidates do not need a telescope. As a quilter/crocheter/knitter, I like to pick out my own yarn, fabric, and needles.

Thank you for your writing and your willingness to share with the "internets." This is the most practical gift guide I have seen so far.......

[molly]

Office Secret Santa is stupid, I agree with Brooklyn Molly! I have found I always get the person I know the least about and just end up buying him/her a Starbucks gift card or movie tickets.

The WORST office gift I ever got was a hot pink Mini Mouse t-shirt. I have never worn anything hot pink, let alone anything with a happy go-lucky cartoon character. My husband couldn't believe it when I showed it to him. He demanded I try it on too so he could laugh at me!!

[julia]

Also, if your well-meaning MIL gets the wrong idea about your symbol of interest, you might receive dragonfly-themed birthday, Christmas and anniversary gifts for the rest of your life.

Me and my honeybee tattoo are just sayin'.

[Jecca]

(non-Brooklyn) molly, your office Secret Santa gifts sound like the best ones possible.

I, too, loathe violations of Rule 5, and have suffered from it enough to make me wary of expressing an affinity for just about anything in some people's presence.

And Brooklyn Molly's Rule 7 is the one that's the most difficult for me. Sigh.

[Joey]

I was a recipient of a pet that I didn't have the time nor the desire to take care of and was very upset with how thoughtless and INCONSIDERATE the pet giver was!!! I didn't even get a chance to think about it or pick from the litter. One day, she just gave me the pet and said "SURPRISED!" What an inconsiderate b****. Needless to say my relationship between me and that pet giver ended in a month. As for what happened to the pet... don't ask. Don't give pets as gifts, PERIOD.

If you still insist on giving pets, please visit the following site to educate yourself. It's also a bit humorous, and it sure educated me:

http://petgiving.com