Filthy Commerce

Get on that, IKEA

So we're getting ready to buy a crib for the daughter and we went to IKEA to pick it up. We went during a weekday, all giddy with the prospect of avoiding the usual weekend crowds, and everything was going according to plan until it was time to actually retrieve a flat-pack box from the correct aisle.

Here is why we do not have a crib:

1. Rather than negotiate public spaces with a stroller that contains a persnickety infant, I wear the baby in a sling. The pros: We take up less space, I have both my hands free, the daughter digs this mode of transport. The con: There is no way I can help pull down a 30-pound box of wood pieces from a tall shelf without risking my daughter's fragile eggshell noggin.

2. The crib box is just big and bulky enough so that it's a two-person job wrestling it off the overhead shelf and on to a dolly. Since I'm out of commission and IKEA keeps its low, low prices by hiring maybe one employee per every 20,000 square feet of store, finding someone to help Phil pull the crib box off the shelf was nearly impossible.

3. The crib box is too big to fit into the cargo section of our Subaru Outback Sport without putting down the seats -- and we can't do that on account of the infant car seat we have in the back.

4. It was raining, so lashing the box to the roof rack was not an option.

We'll get the crib eventually. It's just a matter of finding a willing friend or relative to go to the store with Phil while I stay home with the daughter and the car seat -- and prevent the cat from peeing in the car seat again -- and we're willing to ply people with booze if that makes them more willing.

But here's what was striking about the IKEA experience:

All of the cribs were stocked on one aisle. The aisle was packed with lots of pregnant ladies, their partners and their attendant carts. There was a lot of head-scratching as these folks tried to figure out how they were going to get the heavy, cumbersome packages off the shelves and onto the dollies. And there was total freaking gridlock, which is not surprising when you have a mess of pregnant ladies, parents with strollers and IKEA-issue dollies all in one place.

This could be prevented so easily. All IKEA has to do is space out the crib's placements -- one different model per aisle -- and put the boxes at ground level for easy handling. I get why IKEA stocks all of the cribs in one place -- it's easier for whomever has to stock the merchandise, and that efficiency is probably considered better for the bottom line than customer accommodations. But dang, it makes for a very uncomfortable customer experience. And given that this is IKEA, that's saying something.

And you may find yourself/walking in a Toys'R'Us/And you may ask yourself/'How did I get here?'

I gave birth to someone who can only sleep if she's being held by someone, so grabbing time on the computer has required both extraordinary coordination and rigorous prioritizing. Hence the long, long, long time between updates. Life happens.

So here is one of the first crazy-making things I have learned in my mere seven weeks of parenthood: There is very little point in going to Babies'R'Us before you have the child because you're not going to know what you need or what works until after that little bundle of joy is here*.

Those people who yammer on about how they let their kid sleep in a dresser drawer and had only one blanket and five diapers and they managed fine? Sure, they're annoying. But they're also closer to right than one might like to admit.